There and Then I'm Leaving: A Parody of The Hobbit
by VodkaBastard
Summary: Meet Dildo Daiquiri. He and a gang of rednecks led by a Republican politician are going queer bashing.
1. Prologue: Introductions and Shit

Once upon a time, there was a hole. Not a stinky, disgusting, slimy, wet vagina. Also, not a dry, dirty, infected anus. I'd get purged if I said that it was either of them. Nope, it was just a hole, and in this hole, lived a Hobbit. "What is a Hobbit?" you ask? Hell if I know, they don't exist, you fucking nerd. I think it's what happens when a lonely hobo goes out and finds a rabbit. Nine months later: boom, Hobbit. I'm sorry, that was uncalled for, I just quit smoking. Kidding, I'm not white trash. I'm just going to start the story now. Enjoy. Even though you won't, in fact, don't read this shit, go see _**Tron**_ and get the fuck out. Nah, this has gone on too long, here's your god-damned story.

Dildo Daiquiri awakened from his slumber to find yet another beautiful, green day (not like the shitty band) in the shire of Hobbitoningsonfordville. He took a long, watery shit in his chamber pot and sat on the porch, smoking his marijuana. He was getting pretty good at it too; he could make smoke rings and all that rubbish. He could even hide his red eyes. He's a fucking Hobbit; he can do anything that involves marijuana. Dildo was a total fat pig; he looked like any average fan of Lord of the Rings, eating 9,000 - 9,001meals per day. He listened to Madonna on his AM radio too, because he was bored a lot, as Hobbitoningsonfordville didn't have electricity. They were kind of behind the rest of Middle Earth. It was pretty much a shanty town for fat cocks. I digress, however. Smoking his precious Mary-Jane, he noticed an old man in a red hat and cloak holding a whipping rod with an elephant at the end of it approaching his porch. "Good Morning," Dildo said. "Is it a good morning in the rite that the morning is pleasurable, or in the terms and conditions of me being good on this morning, in that you woke up without morning wood, and that was good, or you being good on the morning of yesterday, or this morning being indeed a good addition to your collection of good mornings, so this morning was good, and I say to you sir, Good Morning," said the stranger.

Dildo cocked his gun, "Get off my porch, fag."


	2. Chapter 1: Oh It's THAT Kind Of Party

_**A/N: **__**PREPZZZ STAHP FLAMIN!1!111ONE!11**_

_**I'm just kidding, thanks for the review, "Guest." 'Till now my stories were merely silver. My friend, they shall drip rubies. They'll soon drip precious rubies.**_

The old man, who was named "Gerald the Conservative," left in peace, however not before marking his territory on Dildo's door. _Not _like that, pervert. He scratched a giant swastika (the Republicans' official symbol) into Dildo's front door and left. Over the course of the day, many Hobbits walked by his hole, expressing their disgust at the door, and shouting obscenities.

**FLASH FORWARD TO LOTR**

"HEIL HITLER! NEIN!" Shouted Penguin and Marie **(Pippin and Mary), **saluting in front of Frito's **(Frodo's)** door.

**FLASHBACK….Again…..**

Later that day, while Dildo was masturbating in his living room, attempting to shoot out a candle with his Hobbit semen, he heard a very, very, very loud knock on his door. "OPEN THE FUCKIN' DOOR, BUD," shouted an equally loud voice in a Southern accent. "Just a minute, Sir," Dildo hurried to the door after putting his pants on. Upon opening the door, he was greeted to a large, hairy man, smoking a cigarette in denim suspenders and a dirty white shirt. "Bud, I think ya got some hair gel on your ear there." Dildo's eyes widened as the man shoved past him, smashing open his pantry and pulling out fifteen bottles of whiskey. "Sir I don't think—" Dildo was cut off by another hairy man at the door, this one was fatter, and carrying a gun. "Hey, mister, I think I saw a deer out there, I shot it in the ass!" "JEFF!" Dildo's grief for the death of his rare Rivendell King's Deer was interrupted, by deformed twins standing at the door. "Don't think none 'bout our eyelids, our Ma and Pa were brother and sister," said one, the other just chortled like a moron.

"This is going to be a long evening…" Dildo muttered to himself.


	3. Chapter 2: A magnifercentous departure

Dildo had let in all of the dwarves, much to his own disgust. Gerald the Conservative had informed Dildo of their names as well. They were Vag, Cooch, Cunt, Clit (Cunt's twin), VaJayjay (The obligatory black guy), Muff, Mound, Puntang, Snitch, Snatch, Snootch, Beaver, and the leader, Dan.

"So, Dildo, how would you like to go on…AN ADVENTURE!?" Gerald asked.

"No," Dildo responded, at which point I flew down from the mighty throne of the third-person author and threatened to cut off his chode if he protested, and didn't accept this plot device.

"Fine…fine…" said Dildo, whispering, "Touchy bastard."

Dan began to speak, more eloquently then the rest of the dwarves, "I don't think we should take him, after all, he's not a member of the NRA like the rest of u—"

"FUCK YOU, DAN!" shouted all of the dwarves simultaneously.

"So, about that adventure," said Gerald, after a long and awkward silence.

"Yeah, yeah I'll fucking do it. Just give me a minute, I need to go pack some shit."

"NO PACKING. WE GO NOW," yelled Dan.

"FUCK YOU, DAN."


End file.
